(Posted @ 2:12am) The first 24 hours. As dawn broke over the city, I nearly cried as I realized it was her first sunrise. Sleep deprivation and overwhelming emotions swirl around causing a mad mix of anxiety and elation. Insecurities and instincts, both the previously known and the unknown kick in. I have no idea what I am doing and yet some things just happen so naturally.
In the past, an aversion to and complete inexperience with babies meant that any of the very rare attempts I ever made to pick up or interact with a newborn would result in a horrific train wreck of complete awkwardness. More than a few people have witnessed this. And yet somehow, some way, when it comes to my own daughter, some of these things just flow so naturally as if the answers were always so obvious.
Other things remain completely shrouded in mystery. As I watch my wife and newborn daughter becoming increasingly frustrated while the both of them struggle to try to figure out how this whole breast feeding thing works, I just feel completely ignorant and inept. It seems all I can do is watch as my baby is agitated by hunger and my wife can’t help but feel sorry that her child is unsatisfied. I’m left wishing I could just tell them but to chill out and take it easy but unfortunately one of them doesn’t really understand how to do that and the other does not understand English yet.
It still doesn’t quite register as real that she came from the both of us and that she is really ours, but in those moments where she seems to recognize songs I sang to her when she was still inside of her mommy’s tummy, however unlikely that may really be; in those moments when she seems to be looking straight into my eyes even though I’m pretty sure her vision isn’t fully developed yet… but I know that even if those connections aren’t so real… our love for her is.
It’s a long, long journey we have started out on here but at least we’ve made it through the first full day without doing any irreparable harm.